Death of Me

Okay. Sorry it's been so long. I feel like that is going to be the theme of this blog. I am very sorry about it but I can't change it. I have been very lost in my head these past few days. It's not such a good thing either. It makes for fears and concerns and then of course.... nightmares. My nightmares have been awful but I have already given you insight into that. I wanted to share with you one of the craziest things I have had happen. I use scary but that word doesn't quite cover it. It is bewilderment, discombobulation, concern, confusion, fright..... I worked this morning... no big deal, right? Except my hands hurt while massaging, and my arms felt like they were going to give out when I picked up my table, but I pushed through and got through my morning. On my way home I stopped at the pharmacy to drop off a prescription... nothing out of the ordinary, right? Except my head is feeling.... this is the hard part.... I wouldn't say I had a headache, so much as say that maybe my neck muscles at the base of my skull felt like they were contracting and putting an immense amount of pressure on my head. This of course wasn't all, my eyes felt...shifty... sort of hard to focus in on things... achy even. Our lawn needed to be mowed.... I enjoy mowing the lawn. There is something about it which allows me to loose myself, to just....relax.... yeah that's exactly the word I want to use. Sitting down watching television is not relaxing to me it's a chore, a real struggle but moving, accomplishing something- THAT is relaxing... so I ate a salad, did some laundry then went out to mow the lawn. I would say it was about 4:30 pm when I started. I throw my hair up, my headset on, and hit play. Our home sits on a lot that has a pretty good incline so I suppose not only do I get to relax but I get a work out- BONUS!! Today was hot. I don't know exactly how hot, I don't ever seem to look at the temperature. I seemed to have more trouble than usual with keeping my breathing even while I was mowing. I suppose I didn't immediately have bells going off because my newest addition of narco meds have caused me sooo many breathing issues. I knew the job needed to be finished so I kept pushing on. This is where explanation may be difficult. I just started feeling off. I was hot but it felt like it was generating from inside me rather than just the sun beating down on me. My breathing became difficult, my heart was beating so hard I felt like I could hear it pounding over the music in my ears. My chest felt like it was going to burst open. I thought I might have been dreaming but I knew that it wasn't. I almost felt like I was outside of myself. I am not even sure how I got into the house. I decided maybe I'll take my pulse- how could I do that?! who knows- the last I remember is the timer saying 53 and I was already at 158... then nothing.... I vaguely remember falling to the floor and my headset ear buds almost completely dislodging. I remember thinking I needed to stay awake, calm my breathing.... I was so scared. I thought I might have been dying. I don't even know how long I was out. I suppose I did pass out.... now my head is foggy but my breathing is fine. I'm amazed I was able to get into the house. I have never felt that type of fear before and I hope never to feel it again!