I suppose that last post didn't really say much... Most likely because I don't even remember posting it!! Yay me!!
Let's just go way deep for a minutes. I've written about this thing I have, given you a sort of definition for it but the textbook is useless when it comes to real life. Every single person is different therefore the disease or disorder or what ever you want to call it manifests differently in every person. I would like to like I've got my life pretty well in order and yet it is so broken its not funny. I have mastered the art of mask wearing. Now I'm not one to "keep what happens in the family between the family" but I not one for the fake concern that is all too common today. Thus a mask keeps from the shallow questions of fake concern. I would say I am very emotional. I wasn't always, actually I would describe it like I had a levee that was bombed my senior year. The thing about a levee is once its gone.... it's gone. I am admittedly more emotional at certain times of the month- don't tell my husband that, but this past Sunday I was particularly emotional for no clear reason. I have been dealing with a lot of.... un expected stress but this emotion was different, unsettling even. I couldn't pin point its source or its end so I did as I tend to do. I busied myself with tasks so I wouldn't have to think it through. I sang the song during the service, I gave hugs and said hello during the family fellowship time. After that portion of the service was over I couldn't contain my emotion anymore, so I cried. I realize the concern and effort I put into people around me, whether family or not, takes a huge toll on me. I go to bed exhausted and wake up even worse. My body doesn't cycle through the 'correct' restful and restorative sleep. So my physical pain and discomfort increases daily but the mental aspect is, I would say, more problematic. To have a relationship on any level requires energy and effort that is so draining, especially when its not reciprocated. To deal with this unseen 'demon' in my life requires a resolve that I can not always muster up.
Let's just go way deep for a minutes. I've written about this thing I have, given you a sort of definition for it but the textbook is useless when it comes to real life. Every single person is different therefore the disease or disorder or what ever you want to call it manifests differently in every person. I would like to like I've got my life pretty well in order and yet it is so broken its not funny. I have mastered the art of mask wearing. Now I'm not one to "keep what happens in the family between the family" but I not one for the fake concern that is all too common today. Thus a mask keeps from the shallow questions of fake concern. I would say I am very emotional. I wasn't always, actually I would describe it like I had a levee that was bombed my senior year. The thing about a levee is once its gone.... it's gone. I am admittedly more emotional at certain times of the month- don't tell my husband that, but this past Sunday I was particularly emotional for no clear reason. I have been dealing with a lot of.... un expected stress but this emotion was different, unsettling even. I couldn't pin point its source or its end so I did as I tend to do. I busied myself with tasks so I wouldn't have to think it through. I sang the song during the service, I gave hugs and said hello during the family fellowship time. After that portion of the service was over I couldn't contain my emotion anymore, so I cried. I realize the concern and effort I put into people around me, whether family or not, takes a huge toll on me. I go to bed exhausted and wake up even worse. My body doesn't cycle through the 'correct' restful and restorative sleep. So my physical pain and discomfort increases daily but the mental aspect is, I would say, more problematic. To have a relationship on any level requires energy and effort that is so draining, especially when its not reciprocated. To deal with this unseen 'demon' in my life requires a resolve that I can not always muster up.
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