I really wish I was able to think straight. I suppose I could describe it a little to you.... to have a conversation with me is to have about 30 conversations all in one and never actually finish a single one. They don't even always makes sense to the outside listener as to how any of them even went together, but somehow in my confused and half dreaming brain they fit in some format. Things seem to continue to pile on and the more that piles on the slower my brain is able to get through it. Some have said and I believe there is research to show that your dreams can be a way or means by which your brain processes information that while conscious it cannot. I am UNCERTAIN however if having narcolepsy affects this ability to process. You would think that someone who goes straight to dream sleep then would have all the answers to the things they cannot process through the brain fog of the day to day. I have found it increasingly harder to remain positive. I can understand the reasoning as to why most narcoleptic develop secondary diagnoses, such as anxiety or depression. The world is hard, people are hard. No person seems to be real upfront. Yes does not mean yes, no does not mean no, and when someone says they will help you- they either don't or they want something in return. Why does it have to be like this? I can not comprehend it. I have enough to deal with in my own personal life (and health) so I do not plan to deal with it anymore. If you come across me I am not going to hold you hand and walk you through it, I am not going to use words to tickle your ears, I AM going to call it for what it is and tell you the truth. Is that going to make me popular? No. Am I going to make someone mad? Yes. That is just fine with me! My existence does not incorporate or rely upon the views and opinions of others. In fact, whether known or unknown to myself or to others I believe I have always (even pre-narcolepsy) have lived like no one else. I may not have been completely confident in myself but that's okay? Why should I be? Are we creatures capable of thriving and surviving on our own? Absolutely not. When I needed to fall on someone I could and though some of those people may not be a 'present' member in my current walk of life they are etched in my life with the inability of being removed!
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