Have you ever really thought about what your worth is? This week.... along with the past several.... but specifically this week have been difficult for me. I don't know how to explain it. I thought by creating this blog it would help me to vent some of my frustration with my narcolepsy, but then I kept most of my little quips to narcolepsy expressly. I can't necessarily do that every time. Sometimes things are rough and while they very well may have something to do with my narcolepsy they just aren't "Point A to Point B" linked. I don't even know where to begin or if there is a beginning. It feels like I've been on this circular track that everyone but me can find the exit for. I could start with my childhood but who has time for that crap and what good will it do? It's done, over, past, can't change so why dwell on it. Then I could start at high school or whatever grade I was in during 2003. I'm pretty certain that is when I was given the gift of narcolepsy, but then again... over, done, past, can't change it..... I just have to deal with it. Then I could jump to college or getting married or my first child.... or my dad dying or my second child or having to stop working at the salon. What good will it do? I could talk about my sister or my brother or my mother but no matter what I decide it won't do anything.... they all end up being meaningless words. No matter what tone they are said in or to whom I am talking there is no benefit. Words cannot fix anything. BELIEVE me I am the queen of words and they have gotten my no where. I am still on the circle track unable to affect where I go, how fast I am going, or who jumps on with me. It's frustrating to look at the people around and feel so...
detached.
Like you know there is breath in them and breath in yourself and you know they have blood coursing through their veins just like you but somehow its different. You can't look at anyone and just be open.... I mean completely open because they wouldn't care or they wouldn't know how to react or respond. Most likely they wouldn't understand and that would further alienate you from them anyways.
When I give massages I am my most comfortable, its odd actually. I can keep it to anatomy. I don't have to think about thinking or how different I am or how naive or ignorant. Then again, some how it does come up... these feelings of inadequacy, of worthlessness. Don't start freaking out. I'm not going to kill myself believe me, I have been there and I am not there now. I just find myself truly truly wondering what I contribute. I mean okay, I give people massages, but so do other people would I actually be missed if I didn't give my clients massage anymore. Or my daughters, yes I take care of them but am I doing it correctly( you idiots who say there is no handbook or correct way to raise a kid... that's the stupidest thing I have ever heard! There is a wrong way and the evidence is running rampant so shut up!) My oldest daughter, scares me sometimes. I all of my worst qualities are what I have bestowed on her. That is a very scarey thought. I look at her when she is angry and wonder how in the world could I have gone so wrong, hurt her so much for her to look at me with such.... such hatred in her eyes. my youngest, well she is an interesting little thing. So full of energy, so prone to mess making. It is tiresome to clean up after her all the time, to not be able to take my eyes off her less I have another mess on my hands (even now, right now in the middle of typing this she is sitting at the other end of the table and pour her drink, of course positioned in a manner where the dvd player on the table is hiding her, into her food.) Obviously I am lacking something to put her curiou energy to good use, so what benefit to her am I? The people I attend church with have even stopped noticing when I am gone, so that's enough for me to know my worth there. As far as the home goes, walk on in. Clothes are on my couches- they are clean and folded but I haven't had time to put them away and even if I did there would be more to wash and dry and fold and put away, so the only couch for you to sit on is also the one my husband lays on when he gets home from work- this means there really is no couch to sit on. My kitchen, papers all over the table, I get the bills paid and ready to be filed, sometimes I even get them filed but something always seems to come up and the papers remain on my table. Dishes.... with two children and staying at home and a dishwasher that
detached.
Like you know there is breath in them and breath in yourself and you know they have blood coursing through their veins just like you but somehow its different. You can't look at anyone and just be open.... I mean completely open because they wouldn't care or they wouldn't know how to react or respond. Most likely they wouldn't understand and that would further alienate you from them anyways.
When I give massages I am my most comfortable, its odd actually. I can keep it to anatomy. I don't have to think about thinking or how different I am or how naive or ignorant. Then again, some how it does come up... these feelings of inadequacy, of worthlessness. Don't start freaking out. I'm not going to kill myself believe me, I have been there and I am not there now. I just find myself truly truly wondering what I contribute. I mean okay, I give people massages, but so do other people would I actually be missed if I didn't give my clients massage anymore. Or my daughters, yes I take care of them but am I doing it correctly( you idiots who say there is no handbook or correct way to raise a kid... that's the stupidest thing I have ever heard! There is a wrong way and the evidence is running rampant so shut up!) My oldest daughter, scares me sometimes. I all of my worst qualities are what I have bestowed on her. That is a very scarey thought. I look at her when she is angry and wonder how in the world could I have gone so wrong, hurt her so much for her to look at me with such.... such hatred in her eyes. my youngest, well she is an interesting little thing. So full of energy, so prone to mess making. It is tiresome to clean up after her all the time, to not be able to take my eyes off her less I have another mess on my hands (even now, right now in the middle of typing this she is sitting at the other end of the table and pour her drink, of course positioned in a manner where the dvd player on the table is hiding her, into her food.) Obviously I am lacking something to put her curiou energy to good use, so what benefit to her am I? The people I attend church with have even stopped noticing when I am gone, so that's enough for me to know my worth there. As far as the home goes, walk on in. Clothes are on my couches- they are clean and folded but I haven't had time to put them away and even if I did there would be more to wash and dry and fold and put away, so the only couch for you to sit on is also the one my husband lays on when he gets home from work- this means there really is no couch to sit on. My kitchen, papers all over the table, I get the bills paid and ready to be filed, sometimes I even get them filed but something always seems to come up and the papers remain on my table. Dishes.... with two children and staying at home and a dishwasher that
NEVER
cleans I always manage to have dishes to do. I swear I try to get them all washed. Then I run out of room for them to dry.... they don't get put away before more are piled into the sink.... I can't figure this one out so if you have any suggestions on that one please tell me. As far as cleaning the house, I do it.... here and there..... and 'did I clean that today?' 'Hmm.... okay, wash this, wash that, clean, here'.... scream at child " I just cleaned that!!"
Probably that most painful aspect of all of this.... my husband. I honestly feel like it really wouldn't change his life much if I were to just disappear. I don't offer much. I am here. I am a very literal person and this is not always...most times not.... a good thing. It gets me into trouble a lot. I am impatient when I give directions and they are not followed. I could honestly go with out the "physical satisfaction."
Being a nagging, rude, and disrespectful wife is one thing, but when you couple that with the lack of the physical well.... you get the picture.
The reasoning for how I feel, what I feel, what I don't feel really doesn't matter when you there are two people involved right? You just need to get over yourself and do what the other person wants. That all it boils down to right, you can not change anyone but yourself...... What is the relationship then? Not just the one with my husband guys. I'm talking about in general, I can't change my children.... I can tell them what I want but it is their choice to do it or not, I can go to my church and talk to 'my church family' but it is their choice to care about me or not, I can have clients and give them therapeutic massages but it is their choice as to whether I am important to them (their health) or not. I can not do anything about anyone else so please..... tell me....
what am I worth?
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