Have you ever caught yourself wondering or thinking that life would be so much better if you weren't around? I not talking about 'what if I were dead,' but I mean as in thinking about the secluded yet involved person. Going to work, hanging out if needed but completely unattached. A person who could go missing and there would only be the superficial idea of your usefulness being missed. Would being a person of that nature allow you to be free of the pain that having others in your life entails?

Since I was young, maybe as long as I can remember I have had this.... thing inside me. not a being or spirit but this simmering whatever you want to call it. It has never diminished no matter what I have done to get it to do so. A simmering pot apparently can sometimes boil... and mine did. It boiled over to a point where I gave in to every little thing I had ever heard. I gave in to the believe that every single person would be better off with out me in this world. The scariest part is the pot within me was apparently a self filling pot because it didn't run out of stuff when it was boiling over. I began to dig my grave and truly intended to put myself in it. With all sincerity I am glad I did not actually kill myself. I am glad that someone found me and walked with me away from my grave. 
Eight plus years removed from this I can not help but feel like I only removed the pot from the burner without completely getting rid of it. Each year something seems to jar me just enough so that in all the bumps and nudges (and a few head on collisions) I am back to simmering. This time I think I can recognize it, I think I can pull away from the heat but will it be enough? It is getting ever so much harder. Ever so difficult to keep the top on. To keep myself from seeking that partially dug grave, from that darkness.